Day 12

There's something about an ending that makes you think about the beginning.  Looking at my life, where I am and where I want to be, I start wondering how I got here.  Everything I've ever been through has made me who I am, but I definitely haven't made things easy on myself.  I chose the hard way every time I've been faced with a challenge in my life.  There's a part of me that wonders should I leave well enough alone or go back and rehash some of the bad decisions I have made and try to make things right?  Would it be selfish of me to revisit my past?  Would someone I hurt very deeply benefit from that?  I wonder if I have really put things behind me or if I have put a band-aid on parts of my life just to make it.  I don't know what to do, I don't know how to move on.  Everybody around me has just picked up and carried on and I don't know how to do that yet.  Why is it so easy for him to do that?  Just pretend that everything is fine, I am not a good pretender.  I can say that about my life, I have always been true to myself and my heart.  I am really hurting and I don't know how to fix it.

Zenyatta

I just watched the Breeders Cup and I find myself identifying with the horse, Zenyatta.  A female horse and she is huge!  She had won the last 19 races, never lost a race and was the horse to watch.  She started out dead last, 18 lengths behind and came all the way back to get second place.  She lost by a nose, literally got beat by the skin of her teeth.  I think I am so sad for her because of the sense of loss I feel.  I feel like I came in second in a race I thought I would win.  It was a devastating loss for me, and a devastating loss for her.  I feel your pain Zenyatta, we ran a good race.

Mike Posner

Well today is Friday. I go to work tonight at 10pm which sucks but whatever.  I haven't made a whole lot of progress this week, but I am able to sleep in my bed.  I had a hard time going into my room because there was reminders of B everywhere, that's why I was going to rearrange it.  I decided not to, I've come to a place of mild peace with all of this.  I know I have to let him go and I have as best I can, but I'm not ready to accept that this is it for us.  I have knots in my stomach.  I won't be holding on but I'm not giving up.  I'm not ready to erase him from my world, he became such a huge part of my life and I'm not ready to let that go completely.
I've just tried to stay busy, running errands, getting things done around the house.  Everything reminds me of him.  Everything makes me think about him, and just when the thoughts and the feelings of loss become almost unbearable, my phone rings.  I know he is feeling this way to and that only validates the way I feel, I know we will be together again someday.  Next week I am treating myself to a pedicure and that will remind me that he liked my feet.  Our football teams are playing Sunday and I will try my best to just stay busy until it's over so that I don't think about how we would be watching it together and teasing each other.  It's a tough time right now, but I just try to keep focusing on what comes next.  Work tonight, pedicure next week, Thanksgiving, P's birthday, Christmas, New Years... but then I get the pit in my stomach because I wanted to be with him through all of that.  I saw my life with him, and now I'm having a hard time imagining it without him.  But I'm tough, I'll just be waiting.

Ooops.

I just kind of contacted him.  I'm not saying I did or didn't... just kind of.  On my behalf, I'm a little buzzed.  It's 10:30 and I considered not drinking for this reason, I knew I would not be able to control my urges and I would contact him.  I'm only HALF drunk and I couldn't control myself. Geez.  Anyways, I'm not going to say how or what I did or said so don't ask.  It's a little embarrassing but only because it makes me vulnerable and I don't do vulnerable.  I'm pretty bad ass and he's the only one I think has seen my vulnerable side, or at least seen it the most.  I'm an idiot, I shouldn't have done that.  I am just having a really hard time.  I'll be okay though, I just have to practice a little more self control.  I found the best quote today that sums all of this up better than any blog:
"Yes I love him.  I love him more than anything else in this world and there is nothing that I would like better than to hold on to him forever.  But I know it’s not for the best.  So no matter how much my heart is going to break, I’ve got to let him go so he knows just how much I love him.  Maybe if I’m lucky, he’ll comeback, but if not, I can make it through this."

Here ya go Jeff! Enjoy Austin!

My home away from home, Austin, Texas.  Home to Willie Nelson, my fabulously famous cousin Jarrod Papen, and some good eats!  My favorite is the fried avocado from Torchy's.  It's almost like an orgasm but they are almost on every corner, there's like 5 in Austin.  I know there's one on Guadalupe... pronounced Gw-aaaddaa-loop. I also like the baked potato soup from Cheddars but you can probably get that anywhere (from a can).  There is also the most fantastic barbershop in the whole world, the Crestview Barbershop at 7113 Woodrow Avenue, Austin, TX 78757 (call Jarrod 512-627-0148) if you need a haircut!  I love it.  I just decided I am going to perfect the fried avocado and put Torchy's out of business. Ha!

Vino

 I would just like to use a couple of adjectives to describe my relationship with red wine: platonic, warm, floaty, silly,  and comfy.  Marshmallow isn't a verb... or an adjective.  It apparently also makes me think silly things.  And I think that if I was asked to tell the difference between a girl from Oklahoma (I had to sing to spell that) and a girl from anywhere else in the world... There's no way.  And that I think that green beer is going to turn my teeth green... I'm not drinking green beer but I just thought about it.

The end is always a beginning....

It's the classic tale of girl meets boy, girl falls in love with boy, and boy goes crazy and decides that he wants to try to get back with his ex and be with his kids. I started this blog as a way to journal my B rehab.  It wasn't a long relationship, only 5 months.  Long enough for me to see my life with him and be heartbroken by his seemingly all of a sudden change of mind (I know it wasn't a change of heart).  I might be in the denial phase of my grieving, but I am well aware of that and will be watching for signs of my delusion and if I miss any feel free to let me know, but nicely.

His background story:
B comes from a divorced family with the sweetest, kindest mom and the most misogynistic pig of a dad. She is remarried to a man that would do anything for her and her kids, and the pig is still going out and spending his adult life like a teenager.  His dad has some real issues and unfortunately has passed some of them down to his son.  B has a younger sister, S, who is one of my best friends (how we met).  When B was 21 years old, he met a girl.  They started dating, she got pregnant and had T, they bought a house, had cars... so she decided they should get married (she's catholic, no offense but catholics are NUTS).  He never proposed, never actually wanted to get married but didn't say, "I don't".  They weren't married very long when he found out she was cheating on him, in fact there was a time when paternity of T was in question (T is most definitely B's son).  So B moved out, she filed for divorce, they got divorced and 3 months later he went back because he missed his son and wanted to try to make things work.  They never got remarried and to make a long story a little shorter, 10 years of pain and misery, cheating and lying, and another baby later...B wants to leave.  He doesn't know when or how he'll do it, he just knows that he is unhappy and when the opportunity presents itself he would be gone.  He is 30 years old, T will be 7 and the baby, H, wasn't quite a year old when all of this happened.  I've left out a lot of the details and will circle around to them at some point I'm sure.

My Background story:
My parents are also divorced, I'm still close with both of them but I am living with my mom for right now (I pay rent) with my daughter, PBody.  I am a Blackjack dealer for right now but not forever, and I drive a... words can't describe how I get around.  Clunker doesn't do it justice.

My plan was to wake up this morning, fresh off what is and will be the most devastating heartbreak of my entire life and make a fresh start.  I am going to find out about a gym membership, shave my legs, floss regularly, quit smoking, smile and laugh.  It's 10am, I've been up about an hour and a half, made phenomenal pancakes (I don't need the gym membership to lose weight, I'm actually too skinny, but I want to get healthy and start training for a marathon, okay half marathon) I've smoked 1 cigarette so far, about to have another one, and talked to my mom on the phone.  I'm not doing too bad, I haven't cried yet.

By March 1st, I will be a nonsmoker, single mom that gets child support (My kid's dad is an asshole that isn't a part of her life right now, she'll be two on December 2nd) I will be in training for my first half marathon that is April 11th or something, moved into my first apartment all by myself and will have bought a new car. Whew. That's not too ambitious is it?

The man I love has decided that he needs time to go find himself, he wants to better himself for his 2 kids.  I absolutely respect that, however he is also going to counseling with his ex wife.  That is frustrating and a little rude but whatever. It will never work, there is too much devastation in their relationship and they could never be together again.  So, while I sit and wait for him to figure himself out I will be busy getting my life together... and this is my story.